Tag Archives: family

Bully Pulpit

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Many of us that are “bloggers” are looking to stand our ground and declare our intelligence on one subject or another. We use our “bully pulpit” to write a group of words that flow together, in order to persuade, entice, encourage, or convince others about something that can or should be done. People blog about all sorts of things. There are the “how to’s” from business owners, contractors or experts of the trade, there are the “must have product/recipe” from the one who simply wants to share with you, and then there are the “just to say it out loud” bloggers who want nothing more than to have a place to speak from, not to sell you anything, except their perspective. They are all attempting to sell you something, even this blog, even me. My goal? To convince you to check internally for what you already know. I don’t want to convince you of much, other than that whatever you say you can be or want to be is possible. I believe in love. I believe a world full of love can conquer and over run all the hatred surrounding us. I believe that we can be so much more than our pain and suffering. And while I want you to believe that too, I am not here to force you to. I am only offering an encouraging word toward that love. And my own story.

At the end of the day, even if you read this blog every morning, it will only register with you for a few minutes up to maybe an hour or two. The routine of your typical day and your learned synaptic neurotransmission will coast you toward the behaviors and responses that you usually have. The only way to reprogram these is to begin doing something different than you have been doing before. And then, to stick to it. For some, there is a chemical imbalance factor, yet for others, it is a physical dysfunction of working parts. There is clear scientific evidence that our behaviors are causing our dis-ease (the inability to be at ease in our body). Where can we start if we have underlying factors that are now a part of our programming? The only place we can… and with the only thing we can control. Within ourselves.

Maybe I haven’t been entirely honest when I began here. Maybe I haven’t been as vulnerable as I would have liked to be. Maybe I haven’t confessed the true reasons behind starting a blog, or the depths I had to crawl out from in order to summon the guts it took me to even think I could build a webpage (on the easiest platform “building” a webpage could be, mind you). I’m going to share with you something personal, from my closet of skeletons, in hopes that you, too, will be able to be vulnerable with yourself and make the decisions that have been clawing at your neck, but you’ve yet to allow to actually surface.

On thanksgiving of last year, I separated myself from my biological mother, father, sisters, nieces, nephews and the only grandparent I have left. Separated, as in, I divorced them. I don’t have an adopted family, I simply stated “biological” because these are the people I came from, and I need you to understand the strength it takes to remove oneself from that which they’re familiar.  Something happened as a result of our learned and deeply conditioned behaviors with one another that I still feel a deep sadness in my heart about. After working as hard as I had been on myself for over a year, and longer realistically, I regressed back into behaviors that I wasn’t proud of at all. While I know I only regressed slightly, the others were in fear of me regressing more and so they reacted to what they expected. I feel their fear still; fear of my fear. The violent way I led my life previously should have landed me in much worse trenches than it has, and I feel torn between blessed for the grace I was granted and ashamed of myself for those paying for violence they didn’t commit. My heart bleeds a slow leak of pain for their sorrow.

I grew up in an addict house. Everyone was “addicted” to something. It was our religion. We all knew the lines, the verses and sayings. We also knew the rules;”Just for today”, “let go and let God”, “that’s their stuff, and let them have it”, “people, places, things”. There were many verses similar to the lessons of other religious or spiritual teachings. Ours just didn’t give God a name. God was the “God of your own understanding”, which works for bringing in the masses of multicultural participants who all relate to the same devil. Funny how God doesn’t have a name but the devil does. Oddly enough, I’ve grown to love Jesus and Buddha among others, but have also not completely decided that any of them are the only way, or that there is a “way” of final destination. It’s still up for debate with me. I have been conditioned enough to decide that just for today, I’m not going to give into pressures, violence or behaviors I will later need to regret if I can help it. I know the only way to help anyone else is to help yourself first. I know that I must let go because God has a plan or an agreement with them and that, that is their stuff and I must let them have it. I also know that while it may seem odd, different or  cruel, that these are my people, places and things I cannot be around if I want to stay clean. And I really want to be clean. Not of drugs or alcohol as I was never an addict of either, nor do I indulge/overindulge today, but of the one thing I always said at meetings, when I’ve attended with friends, was my drug of choice; chaos. I’m really trying to be stripped of chaotic and self destructive behaviors. They don’t make ME my best self.

My mother showed up uninvited at my sons school after almost 6 months of absence. She waited for me to drop him off and stood by the entrance to the schoolyard. She said she wanted to see him, and for him to know he is loved and missed. She acknowledged that this “isn’t her doing” and that, “Your mom has always been hardheaded”. My 9 year old son who is empathetic and sensitive like me, felt sad that my mom and everyone else misses him, and confessed he misses them too. When he came home and told me about this encounter, my whole body filled with rage. Rather than be there for him, and be nurturing and concerned for how this affected him, I was once again taken over with the chemical rush of chaotic encounters and disappointment turned into anger. Thanks to my own self awareness, I promptly told him to go away from me. I did speak a little harshly and tell him I felt betrayed, but in hindsight, the betrayal wasn’t his, it was my own. I never honestly learned how to be supportive of someone when they were struggling. I only know how to “fix” things or scream and yell about the problem’s condition.

Even without their presence, I still struggle with rage.

Within a few minutes I was able to recognize that this had nothing to do with him, nor was it his fault for being vulnerable while facing my “devil”. I told him I didn’t think it was kind or fair for someone to speak ill of me to him, even in their own defense or in order to shed light on what they may think he might not know. He knew. I speak openly and honestly with him about all of these things because he’s brilliant and more emotionally sound than I am at times. Sometimes I call him “little Jesus” because he lets me know when I am being unfair or unkind. I also asked him if he would be sadly disappointed about not seeing them and if he would need for me to make arrangements for him to see them, while I was making a break for it. He said “no” and explained to me the reasons he felt it was unnecessary for him to engage with them right now and that he would let me know if he changes his mind in the future. Here we are. In the future. He says he still doesn’t want to see them and can understand that they really aren’t good for us. I don’t know if this is how he really feels or if he just wants to protect me. Either way, I need to stay focused on my own pain and hurt before I can help anyone else out of this dilemma.

Even without their presence, I still struggle with being the parent I long to be.

I came home and shed a few tears for the broken promises of my father to change how we behaved with one another at the end of 2009.Then a few for the whispered understanding my mother and I came to while we were both injured in 2015, but she still refuses to accept or acknowledge to anyone else. I still have heartache from the demands I felt I could never keep up with or live up to by the family that constantly pointed fingers for blame. I still lose myself in moments of “but they’re your FAMILY”, and forget that unconditional love can be given without liking behaviors or being present. I still long for the elephants exposure in the room and a group effort at leading the elephant away. I needed to grieve. The reminder that they are still alive, yet I cannot see them, was real. Like salt in a wound I was a marred animal trying to crawl back to my cave, my place of fortitude, of solace, of peace. When I got here I cried. I screamed just to let it out (not toward anyone, just for release), I shook. I needed to be held.

Then, suddenly, I remembered I was safe. There was no need for this kind of behavior or for feeling like a bird with a broken wing. I was only clipped because I ALLOWED myself to be clipped. I was only reacting to the chaos that once crippled me, rather than responding, or better yet, turning away from it. It served its purpose to me already and made me the strong resilient woman I am today, but it no longer holds a threat over my head. It no longer keeps me in chains. It no longer decides for me who I am, or what I will become. It’s no longer in control of me. I am.

32 years of being told that you’re not good enough, that you’re never going to live up to this or that, that you’re “crazy” or “too judgmental”, is enough for one person to learn from. With respect to my previous post and the lyrics that ring so true, I don’t have to put on the “red light”. I can live whatever way I want to and be whoever I say I am. What I cannot do is drag the baggage with me that causes me to stumble and fall. I must be free of the load that weighs me down. I don’t judge it, or call it wasteful. It was nourishment that my body has utilized in order to sustain life. But, like all things in life, it was temporary and is no longer useful. I drank from that cup and while the times were enjoyable when I was drunk, and the life of the party, I no longer enjoy the hangover. So I’m remaking my decision, one which, I didn’t technically break in the first place, but remaking it nonetheless. It is what is best for me. Not because I look down at anyone or think I am better, but because the only way to be a better ME than I was yesterday, is to make the decisions that allow me to carry out better behaviors without judgment or a reminder of who I’ve “always” been. How can anyone change who they were yesterday, if who they were is never allowed to be put to rest?

I’ve met the ECHO*, of my younger me. I told her that while I appreciate her holding the place for all that was and being brave through it all, I have learned what I could and its time for me to move on. I hope all of the ECHO’s of whoever I once encountered can understand that this really isn’t about them. It’s about me. And it’s about not wanting to live that way any longer.

Up until now, I allowed myself to be persuaded by others. I made decisions according to society’s acceptance of what is right and what is wrong, rather than checking my own self inventory. I accepted the names I was called and proceeded to call others names in kind. I lived in the shadow of who I was yesterday. I felt sorrow and fear for not living up to someone else’s standards and I judged myself and them for where I was and how far I could go.

From now on, I am going to be the new me, One Day at a Time. The me I wake up with in the morning and the love I give her before I put my two feet on the ground. When I backslide, I will forgive myself and others and accept that old habits die hard. I will also not judge others for their behaviors or backslides and will keep in mind that it is ONLY my responsibility to be aware of myself. I will strive to be the best me that I can be today and will appreciate where I came from because it gives me a base to start from and a purpose in life. I will unconditionally love those that I do not agree with or like and send that love out into the universe for them rather than my disappointment of their behaviors. I will accept the things I cannot change. I will strive to have courage to change the things I can. I will be wise, and know the difference.

ECHO: in Greek mythology, distracted Hera with chatter, in order to assist Zeus in one of his many promiscuous endeavors. Hera cursed her for this, by allowing her words to only repeat the last of what another said. She later fell in love with Narcissus, who parted ways and broke her heart, causing her to diminish into nothing more than her voice.

ECHO: in matrix reimprinting, created by Karl Dawson, is an Energetic, Conscious, Hologram. This is basically a part of our consciousness that holds the place of the energy felt at the time of trauma.

Embracing the Love Revolution

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So here we are in 2016, at the dawn of the love revolution. While there is still an abundance of hate, anger, and fear in the world, it is clear there is some sort of force bringing back the light side with love, compassion, and empathy.
We are hearing about astrological changes, shifts in energy, spiritual awakenings, more holistic treatments in the medical field, in the animal kingdom, and even in our efforts with farming and agriculture. It is happening on t.v. shows and even in politics, love and compassion are making their mark. It is clear that people are finally starting to understand that an eye for an eye makes the whole world blind.
Meanwhile, when we are supposed to love everyone, there are clearly people out there that are purely evil, and then those that just want to ignore the elephant in the room. Couples that have been married for more than 50 years typically say the same thing; that the key to a healthy relationship is communication! And it is never over… It’s year after year of putting in work, work,and more work! So during this love revolution, how is it that we can or should handle those that we love already, due to blood lines and marriage certificates, who think completely different than us and just don’t want to get “on board”? A family simply cannot thrive on obligation and guilt. It’s the guilt and shame after all, that brought us to the place of fear, anger and hate in the first place.
We certainly do not want a bunch of people blaming everyone else for their mess, their issue, and/or their inability to solve the problem. What we really need are new group of problem solvers.
Welcome to the real world video game generation!
The young kids today are so shamed and guilted by elders saying that they’re wasting time, just wasting time, but the fact of the matter is that there isn’t a video game known to man that you simply win for showing up, you have to actually participate, compete and problem solve in order to beat the game, beat the system, or beat the guys on the other end of the internet. Problem solving is key, communication is important and focusing on the elephant in the room is the only possible way to make amends or win in the end.
An issue with this is often caused when blame is finger pointed toward anyone else. Blame leads to shame which leads to continued dark forces… Even the blame onto the kid behind the controller. As far as what any of us know for sure, we could all hypothetically be controlled by a person with a controller to begin with. Think,The Matrix. 
My point is that there is a force. Which one? We can’t be sure. There is also a connection to the source, which directs, allows, maintains and balances. Haven’t you ever known someone who should surely be dead, but seems invincible, or someone that should’ve lived forever and didn’t make it due to a bizarre series of circumstances? The coincidences that just cannot possibly be pure coincidence? And I am not saying that you don’t have to put in the work, but first and foremost, figuring out what the problem is rather than who is to blame for it’s creation, continuation or both is futile.
So if it’s all meant to be and all strategically balanced, how do we deal with the difficulties inside our own four walls?
With love? Even during ignorance? Even during the resistance to embracing love rather than shaming others for disagreeing? What about the moment during which they drag you back onto the dark side again?
The answer is yes. With love. Throughout psychology, the study of the mind and behavior, it is clear that modeled behavior is an important key in development. Through modeled behavior, we can teach a dog to drool when it sees the lab assistant or hears the bell of Pavlov’s conditioning experiment or we can observe a gorilla, who associates with humans speaking in sign language, to sign itself for communication. If we want the people around us to behave better, to learn to love and let go, to look toward the bright and not the dark side of things, we must stay in their presence and model this behavior.
So why is this so gosh darn hard? Well, for one thing, those of us that are capable of evolving in this way are typically more empathetic. We not only take on the behaviors, but also the emotions, and conditions of those around us as well. We feed on the modeled and even the unspoken, yet felt conditions, of those that aren’t enlightened yet and sometimes we end up like Anakin Skywalker, falling into the dark side.
There is a solution though. A solution that can progress this movement forward once and for all! Yes, some of us will still fall off, and yes, some will refuse to get on board, but for THE MOST PART, we can do this, we just have to stick together.
A Christian patient of mine, who had become fed up with my previous boss’ behaviors, asked me, “how long can you bask in the darkness before it overcomes you?” I thought about it for awhile. I even considered quitting my job right then.  Much to my advantage in a short time, however, a muscle in my back tore and left me in a new position without having to bask in that particular darkness any longer. Before I got out though, I did do one thing. I found a network of good hearted, loving people and spent as much time with them and in a “love center” as possible. Draining love from my circle of friends and taking it back to my work place, regardless of how dark it was. And you know what? It helped! My boss started backing off and even started asking me about what I was doing different and how he could tap into this place of positivity. He started treating employees and patients and even random people better. He was also really proud to tell me when he would do something good in order to get an “attaboy”, which I willingly gave to him, knowing it would increase his desire to do right, on his own, even when no one was looking. This lasted up until my back injury, and once I was gone, so was his cheerleader, and so was the light that had begun to shine in him.
The same folks that always gave him a hard time and treated him like he was the scum of the earth resurfaced and drug him back down again. I heard about it all the time from my old coworkers. It left me sad and feeling defeated. But the fact was that he was capable. And more than that, so are we.
The answer to this dark force, light force energy balance is in those of us that recognize it exists. We must not be tempted even with family, even with friends, even with the worst influences to step back over the line. And if we do, we have to be the first to turn the other cheek. Regardless of how many times that may happen. We must find a way and a support group to stand our ground. We must also find a way to stay strong when surrounded by, not the enemy, but the not-yet-loved-enough frenemies. Keep them at a distance if you must to recharge, but don’t walk away throwing your hands up in defeat, if you can help it. Take breaks when necessary, but make the connections when possible. Stay out of their face when they screw up and be ready to make a big fuss and throw out tons of attaboys when they show any positive effort at all.
Somehow we ended up where we are despite all the negative conditioning we had. Someone saw something good in us and embraced it even while we were still messy. If we want to move this thing ahead, we have to see it through, stick together and stick it out until the light is brighter than the darkness can stand. Where there is darkness, there cannot be an increase of darkness, unless all of the light is wiped away. Where there is light, darkness may linger, but with enough light, it will be hard to find. Let’s spread love to the world, to our friends, family, neighbors, and even the guy that cuts you off at the supermarket. Let the love and the light shine, and the dark force will be no more. Love. From me to you. And extended to the whole wide world. Love.