Maybe I’m selfish for wanting you to acknowledge me.

Maybe I’m just insecure.

Onto the next part of the journey… I will say this everyday. When I wake up and see the sun, I will know I’m on my way. In the right direction, and that I can trust the course, but also that I have to keep on getting in gear, moving forward, one step at a time.

You see, I kept getting hung up on you. I lived in all of the “shoulds” and “what if’s” and I’ve recently realized that I was the one responsible for manifesting insanity. Loving you was never easy, getting love from you was even harder, being near you makes me less of the person I want to be and that ‘should’ be enough evidence that we don’t belong together. Because we don’t belong together.

 I’m not trying to be evil or better than or perfect, by any means. I know I have flaws still, and plenty to highlight. But if I’m being honest, I don’t need anyone standing next to me and highlighting them for me. I live with me everyday. I’m fully capable of taking my own inventory. And I just don’t want to live your way.  I’m just trying to be the happiest me I can possibly be. If that means walking away from you, leaving you behind and never turning back regardless of all the shoulds and what if’s that could slap me in the face; or the regrets and the remorse that “you’ll be sorry“, then so be it. I know I’m happy now and that’s what I need, because tomorrow is never promised. And I hope one day, by setting this example, you’ll learn to seek happiness too. After all, you deserve it. You’ve just never been told that before and you’ve never felt worthy of happiness or love. And furthermore, my decision, to separate from you, was never about you, or to make you feel less loved, but to help me understand that there is a goal in mind and that in order to achieve a goal, you can’t just sit around and behave the way you always have. You can’t expect that thing that you want to just show up on your doorstep. I’m not your doormat anymore. I’m moving on for my own good, for your own good, for both of our benefits; so that you understand that you have to work hard to show love to those who deserve it and to stop giving all your efforts to those who don’t. Some say we choose who we will be, and who will be the significant people in our lives, before we come to this world. They say we sit with God, we pick details about ourselves and our loved ones and we say “that’s the one”, “those are the two”, “those are the ones for me.” I truly believe this now, I believe I chose you. I decided it was my job to teach you the lesson that we will get what we tolerate. And I Will no longer tolerate this behavior, this unsatisfying love. I deserve more. And so do you.