We need to allow space for change and time for acceptance. It takes courage to accept just as much as it takes serenity. We need both, to be calm and brave, in order to face the harshest of realities of the lives we live and the lies we tell ourselves. We are all ugly in some way. We don’t always intend to be, but it comes out of us. And unless we are willing to face what is happening within ourselves, how can we possibly embrace what’s happening for others? Judgement hurts and is mostly painful. It is difficult to try and live under the pressure of its webbed fingers, holding us back from growth beyond its grasp. Which is where we all want to move toward, but struggle with. 

What will I do next? I don’t know. I know I want to work with my own acceptance of me as well as my acceptance of all of humanity. They all have intuition and reason; some of it, I may not comprehend. But its significance is great in the eyes of their own decisions. I want to be there. In the moment of their  reason, and question them until they look at themselves to really understand why. That is the true place of understanding. Where solitude meets a creative voice and questions the authority within. 

Photos above are my morning blogging space and the ladybug that joined me in it today. Later I realized these were literally what lies behind me, beside me and in front of me, which was quite an interesting thought after I wrote the rest of this post. So here it goes…

In just a little less than 24 hours I will be turning 33 years old. Everytime I think of that, I begin to weep. Not cry, not tear-up, but one of those deep from the soul overwhelming weeps. It’s not a sadness I am feeling though. I feel it is an internal marker of some sort. A coming of age. A place I have arrived to, that I never really imagined before now, and a time where a lot of “shoulds” come up for me. Its a place I remember thinking about when I was younger as “old”, and a time by which I thought I’d be set up in certain ways. A place I imagined I’d have it all together, and “just right”. It’s also a place where I am slowly but surely learning to “just be”. 

By 33 Jesus had locked in a number of followers, taught lessons that completely contradict a lot of the rules in the book he is connected to and was crucified. He had completed his “life’s” work. The rest was all what was left behind; his legacy, his spirit. I guess I thought I would be somewhere else by now. Where though, I am not quite sure. Hopefully not crucified, but maybe have a few more followers of looking outside the confines of societal rule and accepting people where they are, the way that I try to do. 

As I mentioned before, I am spending the next 6 weeks, as well as the past week, completing this creative “Inner Excavation” journey with an online group, courtesy of Liz Lamoreux. http://www.lizlamoreux.com/ During each week we follow prompts in a book and an online group to really dig into ourselves, our journey and our intentions. My intention for this journey is to find balance between where I’m at and where I’m going. I keep feeling like I’m just fine in my own eyes about where I am, but that the world would have me believing I am lost. And then at times, I too, question if I am indeed “lost” or “finding myself”. 

When I had to leave my career due to an injury, at which I brought home a significant income, I guess everyone assumed I would simply find something else to do that would pay me the same. Or pay me something. I’m not going to lie, I am concerned about money coming in, but I also know that everything I’ve done that has paid me in any way, has come from my own initial investment. Commitment to hard work, financial and/or time investments and perseverance through the “rough” times. Relationships, careers, opportunities. Even this creative journey needs time and commitment to get anything out of it. Sometimes I’m happy with my work, like my “From where I begin” poem and sometimes I just have to accept that I’ve given it all that I’ve got, like my “intertwined in this web” mixed media creation.  (See both in my last blog post: https://loveandlifeassistance.com/2016/06/27/from-this-place-where-i-begin/ ).

All of my work, at this, and in life won’t always meet my own expectations of “perfect”, so it certainly won’t always meet others expectations. I sometimes forget the reason Jesus was on the cross in the first place was because multiple people thought he was full of shit. Really it was because he challenged their own beliefs, and without those beliefs, they felt lost in some way. I recognize that I do that a lot too, probably not in a graceful manner like Jesus, but certainly in a “I’m sure my father/creator/source would see it this way” kind of persuasion. In short, I’m oppositional to all beliefs, but only because I think there’s something to the saying that “there’s more than one way to skin a cat”. (PETA: let’s work on this idiom, I dislike it a lot.) 

If we sit inside our bubble of perfection or desired perfection we will always fall short. I’ve seen some of the people in our creative group say they are “behind” in their work, simply because they didn’t do things on the timeline as posted. Do we ever just consider we are where we are at, and it’s in perfect timing? What if it’s just in our own timing? Why do we constantly compare ourselves to others? And who the hell do I think I am comparing myself to Jesus? Or anyone else for that matter?

Who do I think I am? 

Who am I?

I, 33, indecisive, direct, bold, persuasive, oppositional, the same, imperfectly perfect, completely incomplete, happy, set, flexible, holding on and letting go, sure I “know it all” and sure I’ll never know it all, content and dis-eased, confidently insecure, straightly queer, beautifully flawed, skinny obese, girl that farts and poops (oh my), and uses the “f” word, irritably calm, known, loved, here, present, loud and obnoxious, or silent and still obnoxious about it, ridiculous, challenging, complex, not for the faint of heart, brave, strong, afraid, loving, lover, lovely, warm, light, bright, intelligent, common, caring, charismatic, passionate, joy, anger, struggle, victorious, I am me. Right here, right now. Exactly where I am. And where I am meant to be. Where I meant to be. Because this is it, now. And there is nothing else and everything else that all added up to this. I am grateful for this moment being seen. 

Up until now: I’ve struggled with the relationship I have with the past and future. I was constantly living in one or the other.

From now on: BETTER YET: 

In this moment: I AM HERE. NOW. PRESENT. JUST BEING. Daring greatly to be me.