In recent events, I was persuaded to meet with someone from my past who decided after a long break away from one another, to make amends with me.  I believed in their definition that “making amends” would mean they would admit to what they did wrong to me and ask me for forgiveness. However, this is not what actually occurred. At this meeting, this person and I sat down and they attempted to tell me that I didn’t hurt them as much as I had taken responsibility for. They then went on and expressed that while some of our interactions caused pain and heartache, they welcomed other parts of our relationship, and that in fact, it had helped them grow stronger. However, when I asked what they had come to make amends for they claimed they had done nothing to hurt me.

Oh REALLY? What about the time after our relationship where you befriended (and more) with someone that I had feelings for? What about all of your incessant demands on me that caused me to pursue this relationship longer than I had initially wanted to, out of guilt because you threatened to kill yourself? What about all of the broken glass I had to walk on to even get through to the small part of you that I did and tried to put back together? None of that was an attack though was it? None of it was with a slight spite for me and to draw me back in, manipulate and coerce me into something I no longer wanted, but was refused dismissal from?

Apparently not. When I brought up what I felt I had done, I really expressed myself. In every way possible. I said what I felt at the time and why I had made the decisions I had. I apologized and asked for forgiveness, not expecting it, but simply because I knew what I had done had caused pain whether it was intentional or not. I then asked about these other instances in which I was offended or by which I was hurt. It turns out, that they didn’t intend hurt toward me, but were just simply behaving in the only way they knew how to get attention and love. 

It’s a funny thing, love is. For some, it is what is given of oneself to another, in an attempt to model what they want in return. For others, it can be something that is done in exchange for something else, and while given forward, the expectation still lingers. But for the rare few people who can understand love unconditionally, it is purely an unselfish act of kindness. It is not given to receive anything else, to be bartered for or expected from, but simply to give love. It is an act or calling to care beyond receiving or exchange, except merely for the exchange of anothers pleasure. When I love, I love because I want to show love and to share love with another. Sometimes, I can see where people  on the receiving end, aren’t wanting what I am willing to give, or are curious about what I will want from them in return. But I love to give, not to receive. It isn’t that I don’t want to receive or need to recieve, it just isn’t the motivating factor for me to give of myself in the first place. When I love, I love because I know loving is the right thing to do. I love because giving love makes me feel good and gives me a sense of purpose. I love because I innately believe that it is only through giving love that you can ever truly understand what it is that you desire, need or care for. Not necessarily from that person or upon exchange for the love you’re giving away at that moment, but for deeply understanding your authentic self. 

Agreeing with them even when I disagree or continuing relationships which are not healthy is not what I mean by this. Sometimes you have to allow disagreements to occur, and sometimes you have to be able to and willing to walk away for yourself, the other party, or what is best for you both. Sometimes loving someone unselfishly means parting ways permanently,  because while it may hurt, it may also be the best thing for everyone involved. None of these things are easy. But absence makes the heart grow fonder and when you’re away from someone you disagree with or someone that manipulates or hurts you in anyway, it can be much easier to love them, than when they are near. Take some time away from someone you are struggling with. Sometimes that’s all it takes for you to love them with no return on your investment and to appreciate the better sides of them, and furthermore, of yourself.