I begin at the place where I wish to be nurtured,

I begin at the place where I’ll cultivate love,

I begin at the parts that seem to be broken,

I begin with the God within, not above.

I begin where my pain came rifling through me,

I begin where the sorrow weighed on me so,

I begin where the noise was too loud to hear this,

I begin where the meaning was written below.

I begin where I hold space, and created a void,

I begin where it’s necessary, to fill in the hole

I begin where the heart strings were severed and cut off,

I begin where I can begin; deep within my soul.

I begin where I find, the little girl in the corner,

I begin by embracing her, and thank her for being “strong”,

I begin by showing her a new possibility,

I begin by discovering it was me all along.

I begin by uncovering the world all around me,

I begin by letting go of what doesn’t serve,

I begin by setting boundaries and giving forgiveness,

I begin by demanding love I truly deserve.

I begin by being seen and standing up as worthy,

I begin by digging out the authentic me,

I begin by dismissing shame, embarrassment and fear,

I begin by making new roots for this damaged tree.

I begin by brushing off the dust all around here,

I begin by noticing the cracks are rather small,

I begin by mending then looking at the product,

I begin by the wholeness I’ve become from it all.

I begin from a place of lack and scare mentality,

I begin from this space that I didn’t belong,

I begin from a new perspective of understanding,

I begin by harmonizing with a new kind of song. 

I begin in the smiles, the happiness and glory,

I begin where grace and mercy are enough,

I begin where my heart feels like it’s finally soaring,

I begin as I always did, from a place intended for love.

This week I am beginning a 7week journey with soul sister Liz lamoreux Of http://www.lizlamoreux.com . We are doing some self exploration with her book titled:”Inner Excavation”. One of this weeks task was to write a poem with a prompt of “I begin…” Here is my gift of expression about where and how I begin. This took me all of 10 minutes where other tasks will be much more challenging. I hope you’ll challenge yourself to take some time to focus on the beginnings in your life, which can essentially be found in each moment. Where have you begun before? Where will you begin today? Where do you wish to begin in the future? And what’s stopping you from allowing that to be the place you begin in the present moment? Challenging isn’t it? 

I’ve been battling with the career change I’ve had to face since the moment I knew dental hygiene was over. I’ve been stuck in the ending. I knew that I could no longer practice hygiene, but I didn’t know where to go from there. And I didn’t know where to begin. So I spent the past two years jumping into other people’s hopes and dreams because I lack trust in myself to begin anything alone. I lack the acceptance that just because I don’t know, doesn’t mean I’ll never know. I lack appreciation for where I’ve been and what I’ve learned. I’m afraid. 

After writing this poem I realize that I have much to trust in, because I can be my own motivator and I can trust that I will always do what needs to be done to get the job done. I also realize I need to accept not only that a part of my life is behind me, but also that it has given me much experience. And I realize that I need to appreciate all the things I do know and things I do have and what I can take from that space into the future of whatever I do. 

I’m feeling relief that I have so much to give and have experienced enough that I can take all this knowledge into the future. I’m looking forward to what will unfold. I’m no longer living in the end of what was, but the beginning of what could be. 

Up until now, I felt restricted, uneasy, unable to have clarity about what will happen next. An end came and while it was partially expected and what I ultimately needed, it wasn’t the way I wanted it to end. I got stuck there, and felt trapped. 

From now on, I’m going to focus on what’s next, not in fear, but with excitement. I’m going to enjoy the beginning, being grateful for the past, accepting that something new is on the horizon, and trusting that I will know what I need to do or finding someone else  who does for every step of the way.  Let’s begin! 

In recent events, I was persuaded to meet with someone from my past who decided after a long break away from one another, to make amends with me.  I believed in their definition that “making amends” would mean they would admit to what they did wrong to me and ask me for forgiveness. However, this is not what actually occurred. At this meeting, this person and I sat down and they attempted to tell me that I didn’t hurt them as much as I had taken responsibility for. They then went on and expressed that while some of our interactions caused pain and heartache, they welcomed other parts of our relationship, and that in fact, it had helped them grow stronger. However, when I asked what they had come to make amends for they claimed they had done nothing to hurt me.

Oh REALLY? What about the time after our relationship where you befriended (and more) with someone that I had feelings for? What about all of your incessant demands on me that caused me to pursue this relationship longer than I had initially wanted to, out of guilt because you threatened to kill yourself? What about all of the broken glass I had to walk on to even get through to the small part of you that I did and tried to put back together? None of that was an attack though was it? None of it was with a slight spite for me and to draw me back in, manipulate and coerce me into something I no longer wanted, but was refused dismissal from?

Apparently not. When I brought up what I felt I had done, I really expressed myself. In every way possible. I said what I felt at the time and why I had made the decisions I had. I apologized and asked for forgiveness, not expecting it, but simply because I knew what I had done had caused pain whether it was intentional or not. I then asked about these other instances in which I was offended or by which I was hurt. It turns out, that they didn’t intend hurt toward me, but were just simply behaving in the only way they knew how to get attention and love. 

It’s a funny thing, love is. For some, it is what is given of oneself to another, in an attempt to model what they want in return. For others, it can be something that is done in exchange for something else, and while given forward, the expectation still lingers. But for the rare few people who can understand love unconditionally, it is purely an unselfish act of kindness. It is not given to receive anything else, to be bartered for or expected from, but simply to give love. It is an act or calling to care beyond receiving or exchange, except merely for the exchange of anothers pleasure. When I love, I love because I want to show love and to share love with another. Sometimes, I can see where people  on the receiving end, aren’t wanting what I am willing to give, or are curious about what I will want from them in return. But I love to give, not to receive. It isn’t that I don’t want to receive or need to recieve, it just isn’t the motivating factor for me to give of myself in the first place. When I love, I love because I know loving is the right thing to do. I love because giving love makes me feel good and gives me a sense of purpose. I love because I innately believe that it is only through giving love that you can ever truly understand what it is that you desire, need or care for. Not necessarily from that person or upon exchange for the love you’re giving away at that moment, but for deeply understanding your authentic self. 

Agreeing with them even when I disagree or continuing relationships which are not healthy is not what I mean by this. Sometimes you have to allow disagreements to occur, and sometimes you have to be able to and willing to walk away for yourself, the other party, or what is best for you both. Sometimes loving someone unselfishly means parting ways permanently,  because while it may hurt, it may also be the best thing for everyone involved. None of these things are easy. But absence makes the heart grow fonder and when you’re away from someone you disagree with or someone that manipulates or hurts you in anyway, it can be much easier to love them, than when they are near. Take some time away from someone you are struggling with. Sometimes that’s all it takes for you to love them with no return on your investment and to appreciate the better sides of them, and furthermore, of yourself. 

I remember the first time I considered not watching the news anymore was when I was pretty young, less than 10 years old, for sure. For many years I grew up watching the adults in my life say one sided, ignorant comments that broke my vulnerable, and impressionable heart. Because I attended a school that was very diverse, it was difficult for me to listen to racial, biased slurs based on segregated minds. I often wondered where these beliefs came from especially because of their lack of exposure to what they hated in our less than accepting neighborhood. I vividly remember KKK members or maybe just mocking costumed individuals walking the streets of Fishtown on Halloween. Today, it is one of the most diverse communities in our city and thriving with multicultural businesses, and neighbors. The possibilities of what will happen next are endless, but only because they were willing to eventually think outside of the box of their white, straight, christian mentality. 

I remember when 9/11 happened, I felt like the last person to know. I was home, high from smoking a joint and blissfully cleaning my house when my then- fiancée came home in tears. He wasn’t due to come home until 5:30 that night and it was only 1:30 in the afternoon. He told me that his boss among the majority of business owners were releasing their employees that worked in or nearby center city in any major town due to terroristic threats. He then turned on the news and as I watched the days already unfolding terror attacks, my mind was boggled, my soul felt hopeless and my heart broke. Listening to the reports and watching video after video and photo after photo depicting the painful experience of the day made me feel nauseated. As if that weren’t enough, yet again, here was all the negative words being spewed out about people who were out to get us because we are “infidels”. At the time, I had a Muslim sister and brother in law who practiced the Muslim faith. I had never been threatened by either of them for my disagreement of their beliefs, only asked to respect their belief in their home. This meant being quiet during prayer and washing after using the bathroom instead of being provided toilet paper, and I understood that this was their home, so anyone entering should respect their rules. My brother-in-law gently tried to acknowledge to me, the belief that everyone promises to worship Allah “in the womb” and that eventually we would come around or be punished in the after life. When I would bring up other religions and beliefs that contradicted or even paralleled this belief, but were called a different name, he wouldn’t anger, but told me that my fate was in the hands of Allah and that Allah would move me when the time was right to be moved. He was a loving man and even though he was in some ways flawed, he always chose to be kind when he couldn’t be or wouldn’t be accepted as being “right.” 
Sometimes what is unsaid is through muffled tears and a felt broken heart. I’m sure while some of us are outspoken about our beliefs, pain, and disposition, others are grieving in silence. I embrace both individuals, the loud and the silent with love and compassion. And I owe my ability to now embrace both sides with understanding beyond my reasoning or “beliefs” to the OTL dialogue and the Sidebar Stories workshops I’ve become a part of. I also admire the groups, that once stood in the shadows during the passing of law to allow gay marriage, whom, despite their own predisposition, have surfaced to show support of the life that was lost due to ignorance and separatism.

 Some leaders who remain silent, remain so in fear. It doesn’t mean they are less than, don’t care or that we should shame them for their silence. After all, it is only through love that we can each be embraced to step out of our fear and be present as our authentic selves in public. Shaming is what caused/causes many LGBT to feel alone, hopeless and broken. Shaming is what causes women to stand by their husbands and not question them, or consider an alternative even when acts of terror are pre planned and prepared while they silently obey. Shaming is what makes it hard for a black man to travel into a white neighborhood at night for fear of being accused of committing a crime just because he’s “somewhere he doesn’t belong”. And shaming the white man for his forefathers behavior isn’t the way you’ll get him to change. 

Recently my 10 year old boy spent 2 years growing his hair out after we found out about a friend of a friend  who’s 10 year old son had cancer. The boy lost his hair during treatment and one day when asked if he would do something along the lines of community service my son stepped up to the plate for this cause. It certainly wasn’t an easy road. Between moms that gawked at me for allowing him to have long hair, to his own battle with self identity as a boy in the midst of many mistaking him for a girl, there were times we both wanted to give up because the world made us feel like what we stood for and cared about was simply unacceptable. My boy stayed strong though, sometimes for the both of us and when he couldn’t, I reminded him that people just don’t understand what we are doing, but if we gently explained to them in a loving way then we’ve done all we can. At the end of the day his heart and his hair were both beautiful. Because of all we had been though, it was harder than I thought it would be for me to part with thos locks. Much harder than it was for him. But beyond countless nights of tears over being teased and being told who he should be or what he should do, we now have 3x 10+inch ponytails to donate to locks of love. All because someone took the time to listen to the pain in someone else’s story and pass along that story to someone else that cared. 

It is love, communication, and embracing what is different from ourselves or our expectations and understanding that allows us to compromise and serve one another in Truth. I embrace each and everyone of you, as one of the whole, regardless of your opinion, or stance. Please remember to be kind with your words about what is happening in the world and where people are in relationship to it, because hating the enemy doesn’t bring you closer to resolution. Getting in small groups and working through the narrative we tell while facing the challenges together does. The news would have us believe a single side of the story, and although in current events it’s hard to fathom anyone else is to blame, blaming doesn’t truly get us anywhere closer to resolution either. Looking through a microscope at only one label, the man that did this wears, doesn’t make our world a safer place. Recognizing the specific country he was from doesn’t allow us to make rules which will protect us from all terrorist attacks in the future. Grouping him or his wife in a way that gives validity to an argument that all of something is bad, wrong or intolerable, is far from the possibility of acceptance. Furthermore, I’ve been to gay clubs several times in my life and being remembered as only a person that died in an LGBT massacre is NOT the only way I would want to be remembered. Give each of these individuals the dignity of being more than your finite labels. Get in a small group, start a small group, or better yet, attend a workshop or dialogue that encourages storytelling for social impact. As we can see in politics, what works for some, doesn’t work for the whole. Make sure you don’t stand on a platform and try to coerce people in your direction without also being willing to accept their ideals on the other side, because the person that will be humbled later on, will most likely be you! Accept the other side, love others, be willing to be kind in the face of being seen as wrong. Hate begets hate. Love begets love. That is the bottom line. And remember that there are always more sides to the story than your own. If you want to see a real change for the better in the world, go out, find someone in opposition to you and sit down in a space where you can look at the other angles. It isn’t until we approach the box from as many sides as we can possibly see, that we truly make a dent in what matters to us as a whole. 

A letter to the one who is leaving.

Before you go, I hope you know how much I unconditionally love you. There isn’t a thing in this world you could ever do, say or feel that would change my love for you.  There are and were things I didn’t quite like, agree with or want that came with loving you. But love, afterall, is a passion, and passions cease to exist without good and evil intentions. Love always means accepting something into your being, regardless of its dual qualities, for if we focus, the benefits outweigh its risks.

 Before you go, I need you to hear how significant you were and are in my life. Who I am and what I believe in has so much to do with you, as a result of my love for you. I work toward being a better me, because of you. I’ve seen my best and worst qualities during interactions I had with you that have helped me be more mindful of who I really want to be, or not to be. I’ve self reflected on my movements and decisions because you were there to show me the truth about who I was. When I was kind, you were pleased, when I was excited, you were aware, when I was harsh, you were hurt, when I was angry, you were scared, when I was judgmental, you were ashamed. Every time I behaved according to my own feelings, it reflected in you a related manner. You were like a mirror for me, showing me all the things I wished to see, and sometimes even the things I tried to hide. You never let me get away with my unruliness, even when you didn’t punish me, you still showed me in some form that I was being unruly. Whether it be to mimic me or cower from me, you gave me an opportunity to look at my own self and decide if I liked that mask or not. You’ve also constantly challenged my belief about what is and what isn’t by never settling. You moved through life sometimes right next to me and sometimes miles away, and while you were ever present in my mind a certain way, you never ceased to amaze me how you could be many things, even things I didn’t expect or predict. 

Before you go, I hope you’ll grasp that where I am and what I strive for are both a result of knowing you. Every footstep I’ve taken since the moment we met was one with you in mind. Closer toward you or further from you, somehow, you were in the shadows helping me, leading me, guiding me toward my better self. The dreams and goals I have, as well, are a part of my understanding of purpose because I’ve come to understand me, through you. Despite the places we’ve physically been in relation to one another, where you were has sometimes been a starting point or a destination on my own path to my authenticity. 

Before you go, I want to say thank you. There is a sense of gratefulness in my heart very indebted to you. For all that you have given to me and shown me and represented for me has molded me, and allowed me to be me, here, who I am today. While I know that I am not perfect, and have far more to learn, I also know I’m further along than where I would be if it weren’t for you and all the sacrifice you made for me. I cannot imagine what it must have been like to give of yourself, especially when I was who I was yesterday. 

Before you go, I want you to understand that while you are leaving, you’ll never leave me. What I mean is that the energy and conditioning you’ve contributed to who I am will forever be a part of me. No matter what distance, even in death, you will always be woven inside of the intricate fibers of my being. Nothing in this world and nothing beyond it can sever the space we held together. Good, bad and ugly, I want you to feel that I divinely comprehend, you’ll always be a part of me, as well as always take me with you. These things I wanted to share with you, so you’ll know, before you go.