This is your little girl. The one you planned for. The one you made a decision about having before you laid down in an intimate moment. The one you hoped for, wished for, and prayed for. The one you gave life to and bought presents for, like that toddler shirt that said “future 10”, dad. The one you selflessly breast fed, mom. The one you planned to love together as a family, as parents, as lovers of my life, my own personal sideline cheerleaders. 

Now that I know what it’s like to be a mother… My God do I understand the strength, pain and heartache it can cause. Loving a piece of your own heart that is now out in the world, on its own two feet, with its own thoughts and feelings, separate from your own is the scariest feeling in the world. There is little that can comfort you in the time of fear, that the world is gonna get the best of that part of you. I know what it’s like to want to let that rage out, to want to pound your fists on the pavement and scream of the injustice, but at the same time wanting to protect the rest of what’s left of you. It’s a moment in time that while you must respect that you’re separate from this child of yours, you also must acknowledge the oneness of the experience of being a parent as well. It’s complete chaos. 

The worst part is when there are emotionally immature, toxic people involved. Government, employers, significant others… But what can you do about any of that? Nothing?! The same nothing that you could do with it when the injustice was just against you. Ugh! What an endlessly hopeless feeling that must be. Except now your wiser and more experienced so it’s easy to want to offer the advice you didn’t have when you were fighting the battle yourself. Look at all this information you can give and all the saving you can do with this child of yours by offering them your own experience and outcomes! Except they don’t want it. What the…?!?! 

Do you remember being the age of your child now? Do you remember how enabling never helped you figure out anything on your own? Do you remember how “should” made you feel? Like a failure, like a mess, like someone who will never live up to the standard of anything great because what they did and what they “should do” are miles apart. 

Mom and dad, I love you. I always will. Today’s world is my generations responsibility to figure out. If we do what you did, things will never change. If we live in a world of “shoulds” we will never figure it out on our own. We have an idea. We need to make a plan. And while I know that you have nothing but the best intentions, fear of my wellbeing and fear of a catastrophic outcome, I’ll never grow in the way I should in your eyes, lest you want me to be miserable and only living for you. Since I know that isn’t true, I now know I need space. I need space to spread my limbs, to feel the way of the breeze and to chase the sunshine. It isn’t because I’m not rooted in your love, but because the world is changing and I need to adapt in order to survive. Thank you for all you have done for me. Thank you for planting me on ground I could find solid structure under, thank you for making sure I’ve had water and sunshine to grow. Thank you for also showing me that even though the winter brings loss of leaves and some branches to die off, that new ones will grow in their place or somewhere better. Thank you for everything. I sincerely mean it. I hope you’ll be ok for now just stepping back and watching me grow in the most organic way for myself because that brings me great joy, and great sorrow but also, the greatest lessons. 

Up until now, I have lived under the reign of a king and queen. I have walked a line in order to please and I have reported back to them about anything and everything searching for approval. 

From now on, I will rise to my place on the throne of my own life. I will take up my cross, my crown, and be held accountable for all of the choices that are made. In those, I feel the most able to consider all of the options and while I may make mistakes or sacrifice time and energy where I could’ve learned from previous history, it is also important that I take the history I have learned and regard it as reference and try something new. After all… “Anyone who has never made a mistake, has never tried anything new.” ~Albert Einstein