Yesterday I volunteered at a workshop for the nonprofit I work with called Sidebar Stories. The day was themed “Can the Next Generation Be Better Off?” As a group we discussed what we truly wanted for our children, our society and our world as a whole in the coming years. We embraced one another’s stories and listened with our eyes and ears. We accepted one another’s perspective and saw that once the walls of “differences” are broken down, we all essentially want the same thing. We want our children to do better, have better, and be better than our own generations and the ones before them. 

It’s a real struggle as a step mom and a divorced mom to raise all of these children to my exact standards or specifications. I don’t call them mine because they don’t only belong to me. In fact, they don’t really belong to anyone except themselves. They are individuals, separate from everyone with a few kinks of each of ours they’ve picked up along the way. I’m slowly learning that they either raise themselves and take what stands out most to them, or that they actually raise us, because over time I can see how much they teach us. 

Young children do not know the difference between who has what parts or who has limbs, as toddlers them embrace one another as they’re embraced. I watch this every Sunday I serve in a nursery. They don’t care who you believe in, or what sacraments you’ve made, and certainly don’t judge one another when a boy plays with a doll or a girl farts. They get all that junk from us. I have learned more through the innocent non judgemental children in the nursery than I have in any worship room. They’ve taught me about the difference between selfishness, sharing, and not even noticing a neighbor took the ball you were no longer using. They have taught me about letting go and how after enough time, you will really be ok without mommy, as long as someone is there to love you and hold you when you fall down. They have taught me about acceptance and how we can only resist so much before we are, or the thing we want the most is, the one that ends up broken. They have taught me that love can heal all wounds. They have also taught me that asking questions, even hard ones, like “what happened to your arm”, is acceptable and simply inquisitive. The babies have taught me that words aren’t necessary but looking into one another’s eyes and smiling can be all the communication another person needs to know you care. 

In the world we live in today, it can be scary as a parent. Everything we do and every decision we make has a direct result on our children. If we don’t put them in the sports they like, they could say we didn’t support their dreams. If we put them in one each season, they could say we pushed them too hard. It’s so hard to find the line of where to push and where to take push back. But what seems really simple to me, may be a struggle for another. Even if you support your child in whatever you think they wish to do or be, they will find their own way. You cannot control every interaction they have or every heartache they’ll suffer; and you certainly can’t prevent them from ever having heartache, because sometimes you may be the cause of it and not even know it. What you can do, is try to love them through whatever they have to live through, tell them you’ll be there when you can and then be there… When you can. Let them know when you’re not, they will figure it out, or can ask for help from others if they’re really feeling defeated. You can accept whatever mistakes they’ve made and love them anyway. You can encourage them to figure things out on their own, not fix it for them or do it for them, but let them try and then when they ask for help, ask questions… Like “what happened?” or “what do you need?” Be inquisitive, don’t suggest. Trade curiosity for advice. They’ve got all the answers they need inside of them, all they need now is the space to be vulnerable and honest and authentic where they can hear their inner voice and grow their own confidence. Give them that space. Don’t hover, but don’t shy away either. Just be there, in that space with them, because that is the space they will live in forever and they need to figure out that it’s safe, it’s secure and that they’re in it, not because of you or despite you, but with you, because you chose to be there and watch them grow in it. 

Up until now: I worried too much, I tried to fix it all and make it all better, I’ve hovered too much and then walked away when it didn’t go my way. 

From now on: I’d like to share space with people, this space, right here, where I can be me, and you can be you. Where we can chose to be here in it together, or we can chose not to be, but it’s our individual choice, not a demand on the whole. There is healing in that space. I’ve seen it, felt it, and heard it. That’s the space I want to live in. 

On that note: here is a short poem/writing/whatever you want to call it about our children and my dream for them:

I Have a Dream Too
My dream for our children is that they won’t belong to either of us, or any of us, but to themselves and to one another.

My dream is that they find a connection to us in unique and compassionate ways.

My dream is that they find balance between structure and spontaneity,

That they find space to breath in the moments between,

That they know the difference between work and play and they find a way to enjoy both regularly.

My dream for our children is that they find understanding in their hearts for our mistakes, for our desires and needs, and sense joy in giving us some of what we want while following their own paths more than ours.

My dream is that they don’t walk upon one another, compare themselves to each other, but that they find their own self image and respect that each persons is different.

My dream is that they learn to trust the God in their own gut without needing to follow any strict regimen or formula, religion or rule book to find it. 

My dream is that they can listen to their own instinct over the voices we have ingrained and become in their heads. 

My dream is that they find balance between caution to keep them safe and courage to keep them taking risks.

My dream is that they will be brave in both of those moments, and never allow embarrassment, guilt or shame to drive them anywhere but toward humility.

My dream is that they search for their own dreams, and when they find them, follow them without reservations. 

My dream is that they will see how blaming others DOESN’T FIX THE PROBLEM, only postpones the resolution. 

My dream is that they will take their own inventory, take responsibility for their actions, understand consequences are necessary but that justice can no longer be weighed on an uneven scale. 

My dream is that they don’t see you’re always right or always wrong but that they see each one of us as loving beings, parents, confidants and leaders and know that we’ve been built up on what we were taught, but that it isn’t necessarily theirs to follow. 

My dream is that they will find there are not just one or two solutions to a problem, but multiple and that each one has its benefits and risks and that they may need to take risks but should never do it at the cost of the whole. 

My dream is that they love us and accept us, flaws and all, because we have accepted them. 

My dream is that we can dream together as their creators and while our dreams may differ from one another, that we can approach these dreams as hopes of our own and then allow those dreams to grow authentically and organically within them. My dream is that we don’t smash their dreams by being too disappointed when they or we, ourselves, aren’t meeting the goals of one another. 

My dream is that we can move forward in raising them as newer human beings but not as children to be seen and not heard.

My dream is that rather than assuming what they think or want, or by not allowing them the space to be honest, we can hear what they truly dream for and allow them to follow it regardless of how it affects us. 

My dream is that we can accept that what they tell us individually may differ, but that we will accept what they say to us, not what we tell each other as their advocate or representative.

My dream is that in telling them our stories they learn to tell their own story authentically. 

I hope that through our bickering, our dismissal of one another and the lies, they learn to listen to both sides of an equation and to reach a compromise. 

I hope they find that government and our legal system is corrupt in our society and find a way to help one another and build on humanity. 

I know we haven’t taught them well through modeling appropriate action, but I trust the same as we rebelled, that they will stop this chain reaction.