Just because someone says they miss you, doesn’t mean you should allow them back in your life. Many times the “missing” is regret, or disappointment, shame, embarrassment, fear of losing or not getting something they want. While to us, it sounds like appreciation of our value, to them it’s simply value as in a means to an end. Everything in life, including life itself is temporary. While pain may surround the loss of a loved one, or relationship that has given you a sense of purpose, that purpose may have served its need by now, hence the loss. Let go. LET go. LET GO. The only way to truly appreciate what you had is to accept that it’s no longer there for you to hold onto. Start appreciating the things you have, because one day, they will be gone too. 

Today my heart sat for a moment with Sadness. Then Anger walked in, then Frustration, then Sadness asked for my attention again. Compassion came in at one point and asked me to please listen to the other side, but Fear told me to run and hide. The scary part is that internally I can recognize all of their reasoning, all of their purpose and all it makes me wonder. It’s that place between the pain and Curiosity I now sit. We’ve opened up a dialogue and while I choose to stay in my own place with Safety, Disappointment whispers in my ear and reminds me that I could miss out on something good. Unfortunately Fear tells me that something good is far and few between. That same old story. I’m not sure who to marry, who to “love” and who to kill, but I know that in this pursuit, if I keep looking, I can find myself. With love,~R

Most days I cannot figure out who it is that comes to the surface, or how or why she was chosen for the day. The emotional roller coaster is a response to some sort of outside stimulus, I’m sure, but what? It is all conditioning? And if so, how can I change it so that I won’t become a broken record.

This blog post is about how I stopped feeling sad, victimized and sorry for myself and did what was necessary in order to become who I wanted to be. Wash, Rinse, Repeat.

I will begin my day with great intentions and say to myself, today is going to be productive and I am going to get x,y, and z done. Then the day starts. I go through the motions from the day before. I wake, and wake my son if necessary, I come down and let out the dog, then feed her. I prepare vitamins for everyone in the house, I make coffee for myself, I check on my son’s wake and preparation for school status. I let the dog out again. If I have plans, I shower, dress, do my hair and makeup, but for the most part, I throw on some sweats and take my son to school. I come home, I put Pandora on my element box and dance in the living room. This is my exercise. It’s exhausting. I sway to the music, I use muscles I wouldn’t with routine exercises, and I LOVE it, so I am actually motivated to do it. I resume dancing and sometimes singing for an hour. After that I plop on the couch. I tell myself to get upstairs and shower so that I can be dressed and motivated for the rest of the day. My body tells me that I can take a break and to just relax a minute.

Who is in charge here?

I go upstairs and get a shower. Against my own will. Dammit, I don’t feel like doing anything today. But I must. If I want to get out of the rut, I have to stop digging it and start doing something different. It is so easy to sit around and to complain about how hygiene ended because I tore this muscle in my back (a muscle that has now, finally healed), but really hard to actually put that muscle to work. My mind tells me that the muscle is fine and I can do anything I used to do as long as I am careful. My body says, you can never be too careful… I could tear it again. I could rip it along the scar tissue. I could be disabled forever. The fear sets in. My mind says, “OH HELL NO! This is bullshit. Get your ass off that couch!!!” I get up. I go to the basement office I have set up. It is convienient because it’s in my home, but it doesnt always allow me to be very motivated because there are piles of shit everywhere that I need to pay attention to. Piles of bills to be paid and piles of receipts to sort through. Oh, I remember that book I started. Then I am off. Nose in a book, or a painting I started and I am in full swing of a whole lot of nothing getting done.

Or am I? 

Why is getting receipts sorted and papers in order or bills paid not an accomplishment? Because someone else said I needed to do more. Even though realistically, I needed to get them done too. 

Today, I had a professional come over and make my backyard look like a place I actually want to be. I’m happy about that being done. I’m happy about how hard I did work to make the money in order to afford this yard project. Why do I need to go out right this moment and work for money without enjoying some of the money I already made? Because society tells me to live in scarcity and that I’ll never have enough? I’m good. I’ve got exactly what I need today. I have an amazing husband, children that only agree with me sometimes (thank God I taught them to question authority), and a home with bills paid and a yard I can have work done in because I worked my ass off already in order to afford something like this. I don’t need to feel like I have nothing while I’m getting something I want. I need to feel grateful for what I have in this moment because the next isn’t promised. And so I am.

Up until now... I lived for “what’s next?”, “now what?”, and “I want more!”. I chased down my next desire before I enjoyed the moment of my present gifts. I lived with a scare mentality.

From now on… I will be grateful in each moment, the here and the now. I will appreciate what is in front of me before running after the next thing. I will give the present more time and attention than the future. I will be aware and mindful of right now.