A couple of weeks ago I was driving to visit a friend, and I heard a cover of the song by the Police, “Roxanne”. A raspy, soulful voice belted out the oh so familiar words to a song I used to hate. A song I was named after and often thought, really dad? You named me after a song about a hooker. Over the years I got used to listening to people sing it to me when I would announce it as my name, little did they know, they were serenading me with words that always felt so dirty to me. They made me look at my own shame and limitations, my own dark places and the alleys I’ve been down. They made me face that I wasn’t perfect, although not a hooker, I have compromised myself and sold my soul on more instances than I am comfortable admitting to. In the last year I have faced the need to accept that I will not return to hygiene, despite my love for the field and my love for the patients and staff I grew close with like family. Initially I thought it was the fear of being injured again and never wanting to face the kind of pain that had caused me to be suicidal at times. Then I thought it was a blessing in disguise that freed me to explore other options which I dreamed about, but couldn’t see previous to the injury how I would bring into fruition. Now I see that it was my body battling my mind and spirit to bring me forward in a way that I needed to move, like it or not. I have always been more stubborn than enough to serve me well.

As I drove down the long stretch of highway, one that seemed endless during her agonizing plea, tears ran down my face. It was as if the internal war I had been having with my inner voice was begging me to keep on going. I struggled with admitting that I had been fighting with myself about what I will do next, or giving up altogether. I wanted to believe that everything I saw was the next thing. People presented me with ideas of what I could do to make money outside of hygiene. I followed almost all of them, looking for my way. I still felt lost. I still felt insecure. I keep thinking about what my family would do for money, wondering how will I survive? Hygiene was my meal ticket. The self talk I used while suffering through school was that this was necessary in order for me to never need to depend on another person again. With an income from hygiene, I could support myself and my son. I could live comfortably, maybe not in a very wealthy way on my own, but if I chose to get into a relationship with another person with income, we could be well off enough to enjoy our lives. The most important part was that I had a choice. If I changed my mind or wanted to leave a relationship, I had that option because of what hygiene would provide for me. My inner voice said that if I truly cannot return to hygiene, I would have to need someone. I would be stuck. I would suffer and I could potentially starve. There were days I would curl up in the fetal position and stay in bed. I was “sick”, not in the ordinary viral or bacterial way, but in the “I am not sure how to go on” way. Some like to call this mental illness. I don’t define it so easily. I call it spiritual illness as well. It’s more like my body, mind and soul were on three different planets and none were talking to the others. I felt robbed of my livelihood. I felt defeated of my ability to exist and thrive. I felt so hopeless that I couldn’t even see the next step of the path for even one moment of that day because of what hygiene had given to me and then ultimately taken away from me with fury.

During the injury, I had a lot of time to learn, read, listen (when I couldn’t stand to actually read because of the pain), and to explore the parts of me that were constantly being reminded of the negative, shameful things that losing hygiene meant for me. I found a copy of the  Buddhist’s Dhammapada that my dads friend had given me 10 years before. I learned that there is truth to “when the student is ready, the teacher will appear”, because when he gave me that book 10 years ago, it might as well have been in Chinese. I also learned that everything in this life, and the next, is temporary and that we are defined only by what we say we are. A highly requested hygienist couldn’t possibly be all that I was, because if that were so, what did that mean about my marriage, my children, and furthermore, what does it mean about all of these negative beliefs I had been weighing myself down with? I couldn’t just be a GREAT hygienist, I was more than that. I gave more than cleanings when a patient sat in my chair. I gave compassion, empathy and love. And despite this nagging neck pain, I still have plenty of that to give. So why am I not giving it to myself? Why is it easy for me to forgive and see past the flaws of others and still hold myself to such a standard that seems impossible? I think the answer here is that I meet other people with their flaws and say “they do the best with what they’ve got”, but when I mess up, I know that I could do better. The truth is, we all are working though life doing the best we can with what we have at the moment, and unless the best us is present in every single moment, sometimes we are going to make mistakes. Learning to meet yourself with your mistakes and then tell yourself “I’ve loved you since I knew ya, I wouldn’t talk down to ya”, just like in the song, can help you embrace even your negative inner voice. Meet it and tell it you accept it with love. I’ve been learning eft tapping recently and there is a lot to be said about touching your own acupressure points along with loving self talk. Rewire those inner critics and learn to love you, despite your flaws and mistakes, despite your negative disposition, despite the hurdles that you face and you can find your way over to the solution side of the problem. You will also become the authentic self that can say “this hurts, I am scared, or I need you.” there is nothing wrong with needing someone once in awhile. Its what reminds us we are all eternally connected.

Up until now, I have struggled with my inner critics and forced myself to do things that caused me unhappiness and grief. I have tried to please the world by being the thing that defines me in order to give me status. I have “put on the red light” and lived in the patterns that don’t allow me to change or be my best authentic self. I have been afraid.

From now on, I will give myself acceptance and love everyday. I will wake up and look in the mirror and tell myself I am worthy of love. I will compliment myself when I do well, look well and feel well, and even when I make a mistake I will remind myself of all the positives I have done and still have left to do. I will not shame myself any longer for not living up to a standard of anyone else, but I will search each day inside of me to be the best and most authentic me I can be. I will give love to myself before anyone else, not because I am selfish, but because if I model this behavior it will help others be their best selves too. I will inspire. I will encourage. I will love.

P.S. I didn’t buy the shirt in the photo. (that selfie was taken in the fitting room). I didn’t need the shirt. Those words are part of my good morning talk to myself now. And the Roxanne cover I heard was by Lacey Sturm. There’s a version on youtube where she talks about why she covered this song and her beliefs about how this song applies to us all. It’s pretty awesome. Check it out here: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=8y_idFNJ9IQ&sns=em