When a friend comes to you for advice, or is struggling to make a decision, which of these roles do you play for them? Are you a lifter? Do you tell them that they are brilliant and that nothing can stop them from accomplishing their dreams? Are you a leveler? Do you accept where they are and compare it into your own understanding and claim that what you believe validates or negates their own experience? Are you a lowerer? Do you tell them that what they are thinking or feeling is irrational and try to persuade them into changing their own mindset?

If your goal in a friendship or relationship is to give depth to the connection, then you better choose lifter or leveler. Especially if you value the relationship and hope to maintain it for a long time. As addressed in a previous post, anyone that is negative for you, may have to go. That is, if you, yourself, do not feel capable of bringing them forward. Relationships, while temporary, as is everything else we engage in this life, are something that we pride ourselves on maintaining. Yet, sometimes we are not doing very good maintenance for the seed to grow. We plant the seed and water it twice, and then we expect it to grow out of far away thoughts of growth. Without the proper care, sunlight, watering schedule or nutrients, we expect the impossible to happen. This is similar to what happens when we intend to chase our dreams and don’t show up to water them.

Take this blog, for example. I have been told time after time that I am a beautiful writer and I should embrace that skill. I write out lovely inspiring text messages to friends because I can empathize with their position and either lift or level them. When I notice I lower someone by being in the negative, I try to make amends for that and address my wrongdoings. Because I for one, do not want someone walking around with a chip on their shoulder, especially a chip caused by me. It doesn’t mean it doesn’t happen. It happens more than I would like to admit. However, when I recognize my wrongs, I quickly take action, take responsibility and apologize for my part. I have been spit on, I have been cursed at and I have been discouraged by the other party not doing the same for me. I have apologized and then had to swallow my pride when the other party didn’t see their own flaws or apologize for their part. I have even apologized and had what I just apologized for rubbed in my face to reiterate that I was wrong. Very wrong. And to verify the apology I had just given was deserved by the other party. But do you know what that makes me? A leveler. And a lifter. NEVER a lowerer. Not intentionally anyway.

My point here is that we all make mistakes. Every single one of us. It is what makes us human and connected, after all. Apologies may come with a similar tone. They may come with a slap to the face, or worse; your pride. But apologies take away the pain we put out into the world. Whether we are attempting to reconnect with someone or not, an apology is a simple way to take some of the hurt off of them. Then, and only then, are they left with the pain of the hurt they placed on themselves. The horrible person you are- just softened your image in their mind. The demon they thought they were fighting- just backed down. The wall that they were up against, isn’t yours anymore. Its theirs. And sometimes they will stand behind that wall long before you’ll ever hear your own apology, if ever. They use that wall for protection or persuasion from themselves and the truth. It takes two to tango or fight, or battle and we are all human and we all makes mistakes. What do we really learn from doing something perfect or easily over and over? Nothing. We learn nothing. Its the challenge of the battle which makes us strong soldiers. Its the evolution of mankind as we learn how to make things faster, then learn growth hormones cause disease. It’s being the first neanderthal to strike the flint and make fire, then learning it draws near the dinosaurs. We do things to progress ourselves and sometimes in doing that, we harm one another. Taking responsibility is the key. Lifting and leveling your friends and relationships is the lock. If we can do these things together, we can unlock the future of a better mankind and connection. So ask yourself this, are you a lifter, a leveler, or a lowerer? And despite who you are, right now… who do you want to be tomorrow? Because there is always room for an apology and change. If you’re willing.

Up until now, I have not always been the best in my relationships. I have put people down, including myself and caused grief and pain where I was trying to plant a seed of connection.

From now on, I will maintain my garden. I will take responsibility for the things I set forth to do. I will help growth by being present and accountable. I will show up. And if I make a mistake, I will say that I am sorry with honest intention and acceptance that this is part of my growth. I will forgive myself and others. And I will move forward, despite any odds, so that I can live in a brighter tomorrow. If I must leave people behind because of their own disposition, I will accept that. While I will leave no mess unclean by me, I will not stick around to be lowered either. I will clean up after myself and promote love and encouragement. I will be a lifter, and I will level when necessary. I will be a better me today than I was yesterday. And I will appreciate the lessons I learned from all the yesterdays before.